我觉得最好笑的是---谎言都绕半个地球了，真相还没穿好衣服呢。还有-----油价太贵了，因此我决定骑个墨西哥人上班

　　阿尔伯特.爱因斯坦名言

　　1. The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.

　　1.妨碍我学习的唯一障碍就是我的教育。

　　2. As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.

　　2.当数学原理用于现实时，是不确定的，当它们确定时，又不适用于现实。

　　3. Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

　　3.常识就是人在十八岁之前形成的各种偏见。

　　4. The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one.

　　4.原子能的释放并没有造成一个新问题，它只是使解决一个当前问题的必要性更加迫切。

　　5. If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor.

　　5.如果你决心讲述真相，就把体面留给裁缝。

　　6. I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.

　　6.我不知道第三次世界大战会用什么武器，但我确定第四次世界大战用的武器会是棍子和石头。

　　弗里德里希.尼采名言

　　7. In the beginning was nonsense, and the nonsense was with God, and the nonsense was God.

　　7.胡话一开始也就是胡话，但这些胡话是和上帝有关的，所以最后胡话也就成了上帝。

　　8. A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.

　　8.在精神病院随便走走表明信仰什么都不是。

　　9. Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.

　　9.啊，女人，你使高尚者更高尚，也能创造更多卑微者。

　　10. Is man one of God’s blunders? Or is God one of man’s blunders?

　　10.人类是上帝犯的一个错误，还是上帝是人类犯的一个错误。

　　11. Many are stubborn in pursuit of the path they have chosen, few in pursuit of the goal.

　　11.许多人在追求他们选择的道路时固执，却很少在追求目标时固执。

　　马克.吐温名言

　　12. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

　　12.阅读保健类书籍时要小心，你可能死于错误印刷。

　　13. Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

　　13.别到处跟人抱怨这个世界欠你什么，这个世界什么都不欠你的。

　　14. I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.

　　14.我从不参加葬礼，但我会写封亲切的信表明我是赞成葬礼的。

　　15. I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

　　15.我从来没让上学影响我的教育。

　　16. The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.

　　16.不读好书的人与那些读不懂他们的人相比，没有什么好得意的。

　　17. “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”

　　17.为什么你坐在那儿，看上去就像一个没写地址的邮封?

　　伏尔泰名言

　　18. Prejudices are what fools use for reason.

　　18.偏见是愚者思考的方式。

　　19. If there were no God, it would have been necessary to invent him.

　　19.就算世界上没有上帝，那也有必要创造一个。

　　20. Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do.

　　20.每个人都为他不能行的善而心怀愧疚。

　　21. No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.

　　21.雪崩时没有一片雪花会有负罪感。

　　22. The true triumph of reason is that it enables us to get along with those who do not possess it.

　　22.理智真正的伟大之处在于它帮助我们与没有理智的人相处。

　　23. It is hard to free fools from the chains they revere.

　　23.将愚人从他们所敬拜的锁链下解放出来是非常困难的。

　　24. There are men who can think no deeper than a fact.

　　24.有些人的思考只停留在表面。

　　25. Anyone who has the power to make you believe absurdities has the power to make you commit injustices.

　　25.如果有人能使你相信荒唐的事，那他也有能力使你犯下罪恶与不公的错误。

　　26. Anything too stupid to be said is sung.

　　26.说出来愚蠢的话，唱出来就不一样了。

　　27. By appreciation, we make excellence in others our own property.

　　27.通过赞美，别人身上的优点就成为了自己的财富。

　　28. Governments need to have both shepherds and butchers.

　　28.政府既需要牧羊人也需要屠夫。

　　伯拉图名言

　　29. One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.

　　29.不参政的后果就是被不如你的人统治。

　　30. No one ever teaches well who wants to teach, or governs well who wants to govern.

　　30.老师教不好想当老师的人，统治者统治不好想当统治者的人。

　　31. This City is what it is because our citizens are what they are.

　　31.罗马城之所以是这样的罗马城是因为市民就是这样的市民。

　　32. Courage knows what not to fear.

　　32.所谓勇气就是知道不畏惧什么。

　　33. The measure of a man is what he does with power.

　　33.衡量一个人，就是看他在拥有权力时的所作所为。

　　温斯顿.丘吉尔名言

　　34. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

　　34.谎言都绕了半个地球了，真相还没穿好衣服呢。

　　35. If you are going through hell, keep going.

　　35.如果你正在经历炼狱，那就继续吧。

　　36. The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

　　36.对民主最好的反驳就是和普通选民交谈五分钟。

　　37. It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.

　　37.有人说民主是最糟糕的政府组织形式，除了其他曾出现过的。

　　乔治.卡林名言

　　38. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

　　38.想想看，普通人多愚蠢，可还有一半人更愚蠢。

　　39. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

　　39.房子只是一个在你外出时储藏你现有的东西的地方，然后你可以带更多的东西回来。

　　40. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man?living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

　　40.宗教使人们相信在天上有一个我们看不见的人，他每时每刻都观察着你所作的一切，而这个我们看不见的人有十件不希望我们做的事，如果你做 了，他就会把你送到某个地方，哪里到处是炙人的火和烟，还有你要永远忍受的痛苦和折磨，这些痛苦、烈焰和惨叫会持续到时间的尽头。但是，他是爱你的，而且 他需要钱。

　　41. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

　　41.你知道得克萨斯州的那些判决最大的影响是什么吗?那里人更少了。

　　42. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”

　　42. 这让我想起了我三年级老师跟我说的话，她说：“你给我看一个热带水果，我就给你看一个危地马拉口交者。”

　　43. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.

　　43. 我没上过十岁的，我有一晚上用五乘以了二。.

　　44. What year did Jesus think it was?

　　44. 上帝啊，你以为这是个什么年代?

　　45. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

　　45. 我们不能把十戒贴在法院的真正原因是：你不能让“不可偷窃”、“不可通奸”、“不可说谎”这样的字眼出现在一个满是律师、法官、政客的地方，这样会创造不利的工作环境。

　　46. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

　　46.无神论就是不做预言的体制。

　　47. “No comment” is a comment.

　　47.“无可奉告”就是一条奉告。

　　48. If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

　　48.如果一个人一直都面带微笑，那他很可能是在推销不能用的东西。

　　49. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

　　49.为什么我们说“美国梦”，你得先睡着才能相信。

　　史蒂夫.马丁名言

　　50. Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything!

　　50.伙计，你瞧法语，每样东西都有不同的词表示。

　　51. There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won’t stand for that.

　　51.只有一件事能让我离婚，那就是我和其他女人在一起的时候被妻子逮个正着。这是我不能忍受的。

　　52. Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It’s something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.

　　52.主持奥斯卡颁奖礼就像和一个女人做爱，比尔.克里斯托不在的时候才能实现。

　　53. I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

　　53.我相信，性是美好的、自然的、健康的，而且是钱能买来的。

　　54. You know what your problem is, it’s that you haven’t seen enough movies - all of life’s riddles are answered in the movies.

　　54.你知道你的问题出在哪儿吗?你看得电影不够多，生活中的所有困惑都能在电影里找到答案。

　　55. First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

　　55.医生先是告诉我有一个好消息：有一种疾病将以我的名字命名。

　　56. Why is it we don’t always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends?

　　* As Harris K. Telemacher in “L.A. Story” (1991)

　　56.为什么我们总是意识不到爱情何时开始，却总是知道何时结束?

　　* 就像《L.A 故事》中的哈里斯.K.特勒马西(1991)

　　史蒂文.科比尔名言

　　57. “To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush? I feel like I’m dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I’m a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough? Somebody shoot me in the face.”

　　-Roasting Bush at the 2006 White House Correspondents’ dinner

　　57.“和我的偶像乔治.布什共进晚餐吗?我会感觉像是在做梦。有人会掐我，但是你知道吗。这可不够，我的梦可不容易醒，得有人在我头上狠狠敲一下。”

　　58. On this show, your voice will be heard - in the form of my voice.

　　58.在这个节目里你的声音将被传达，当然了，是用我的声音。

　　59. There’s a phrase we live by in America: “In God We Trust”. It’s right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.

　　59.在美国人们常说这样一句话：“我们将一切交给上帝”，这正是上帝想要的：我们的钱。

　　60. Folks, the President needs a break. He’s like a Black and Decker cordless Dirt Devil vacuum. If you don’t recharge his batteries, he can’t suck.

　　60.伙计们，我们的总统需要休息一下，就像百德公司的吸污天使牌无绳吸尘器，你不给他充电就没法吸脏东西了。

　　61. I’ve always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can’t judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?

　　61.我对美女总是趋之若鹜。自然，看人就像看书，不能从封皮判断好坏，可是谁会想跟书做爱。

　　62. Now, I don’t see color. People tell me I’m white and I believe them because police officers call me “sir”.

　　62.我眼睛分辨不出肤色。人们说我是白人，我信。因为警察尊称我“先生”。

　　63. Asia: Four little letters, three billion little people.

　　63.“亚洲”这个词英语有四个字母，却拥有三十亿人。

　　64. “There’s nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends that are going to hell.”

　　64.是同性恋本身没什么错，但我有很多朋友不太好过。

　　65. Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals.

　　65.上帝宽恕罪人，可不宽恕罪犯。

　　乔.斯图亚特名言

　　66. I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

　　66.我按照传统过感恩节。我把我的邻居都请到家里，我们大大美餐了一顿，然后我把他们都杀了，把他们的土地抢了过来。

　　67. Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.

　　67.失眠是我最大的灵感来源。

　　68. We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There’s just one problem - it’s in North Korea.

　　68.犯罪证据，有的，非常确凿，可能利用的大规模杀伤性武器，我们一直在寻找，以便用作侵略伊拉克的借口。不过，只有一个问题，它现在北朝鲜。

　　69. We declared war on terror-it’s not even a noun, so, good luck.

　　69.我们向恐怖主义宣战——没有说说而已，所以，我们还算走运。

　　70. Here’s how bizarre the war is that we’re in in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn’t want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass.

　　Jon Stewart’s Stand-up performance at RIT, 2005

　　70.你知道我们在伊拉克的战争多奇怪荒诞吗，从一开始我们就该知道的。我们进入伊拉克，德国却不愿意一起。那可是德国，连这个战争巨人都不愿插手。

　　比尔.马赫名言

　　71. Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

　　71.过去算罪行的现在都成了疾病。

　　72. I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.

　　72.在我看来，开着飞机撞大楼，根源在他们的信仰。宗教就是神经错乱。

　　73. Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need.

　　73.对我来说，宗教就是一个介于人类和上帝之间的官僚载体，而且是我不需要的官僚载体。

　　74. They’re talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that’s used by ten or more people in a week,

　　which, I guess, means that Madonna can’t even smoke in bed.

　　74.现在人们提议要禁烟，一周内可能被十个或十个以上人使用的地点都不能抽烟，我就在想，那是不是就是说麦当娜在床上也不能抽烟了。

　　杰瑞.宋飞名言

　　75. Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

　　75.男人对内衣的要求和对女人的要求一样，要一点支持，还有要一点自由。

　　76. Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them is making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

　　76.狗才是这个星球的主人。你要是看见两种生命形态，一个在大便，另一个在盛大便，你会以为哪个是主人。

　　77. there’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.”

　　77.男性杂志很少给建议，因为男人不知道自己懂得不多，而女人知道，而且乐意去学。男人想的是：“我知道我在干什么，你只要给我看裸体就行了”。

　　78. Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”

　　78.为什么人们彼此送花?庆祝各种重要事件和节日就要谋杀活生生的生命吗?为什么还针对植物?“亲爱的，我们结婚吧，请接受这只死松鼠。”

　　拉里.戴维名言

　　79. Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there’s your diamond in the rough.

　　79.任何人都可以因他满头的秀发而自信。但是自信的光头，就像杂草堆里的钻石。

　　80. If you tell the truth about how you’re feeling, it becomes funny.

　　80.如果你实在地说出你的感受，那就有意思了。

　　81. I’m surprised Hitler didn’t round up the toupee people.”

　　81.我挺奇怪为什么希特勒没把流氓也圈到集中营去。

　　丹尼斯.米勒名言

　　82. A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

　　82. 最近一项关于警察的研究表明，如果你逃跑的话，被胖警察击中的可能性比较大。

　　83. The average American’s day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles’s dart board.

　　83　普通美国人日程上的空档比菜鸟在镖靶上留下了洞还少。

　　84. “The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.”

　　84.　唯一能让法国卷入伊拉克的方法就是告诉他们，我们在伊拉克发现了法式顶级巧克力。

　　杰.列农名言

　　85. Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

　　85.奇怪的是，为什么我们从来没听过像“通灵人士赢彩票大奖”这样的新闻。

　　86. The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.

　　86.　最高法院决定华盛顿不能上演耶稣诞生剧，但并不是因为宗教原因。因为他们找不出三个智者和一个处女。

　　87. Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution.

　　87.　美国现在体重超重的人要比体重正常的人要多。所以，体重超重的成了正常体重，也就是说，你新年许下的愿望已经实现了。

　　88. The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

　　88. 《新英格兰医学期刊》有文章称九成的医生认为有一成的医生是笨蛋。

　　罗德尼.丁奇菲尔德名言

　　89. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

　　89. 我的父亲随身带着一张孩子的照片，这个孩子是和他随身带的钱包一起到他手里的。

　　90. Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

　　90.　我小时候在脱口秀行业混的时候很穷，经常跑到宴会去吃葡萄。

　　91. I’m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

　　91.　在我这个年龄，我想要两个女孩。这样我睡着的时候，她们也好有人说说话。

　　92. A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home!

　　92.　一个女孩给我打电话说：“你过来吧，我家没人。”于是我去了，她家的确一个人都没有。

　　93. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

　　93.　如果你是双性恋，周末出去约会的概率一下提高一倍。

　　沙拉.斯尔弗曼 名言

　　94. When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonades’.

　　94. 如果上帝让你得爱滋——是确实让你得了爱滋——那就弄点柠檬水杀爱滋。

　　95. I was raped by a doctor. This is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.

　　95.　我曾被一个医生强暴，你知道，这对一个犹太女孩来讲是苦涩而甜蜜的。

　　克里斯.洛克名言

　　96. Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

　　96.　每个区都有两个一样的购物中心，一个是白人去的，另一个是白人以前去的。

　　97. I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

　　97.　我住的地方治安极差，差到你还没挨完第一个枪子，第二个枪子又来了。

　　98. If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty.

　　98.　如果一个看起来十六岁的女的跟你说她二十岁，那她实际十二岁。如果是看起来二十六，跟你说也是二十六，那她可能已经快四十了。

　　99. “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon.’ Need I say more?”

　　99. 你知道这个世界有多疯狂吗，最好的饶舌歌手是白人，最好的高尔夫选手是黑人，NBA身高最高的选手是中国人，瑞士人卫冕美洲杯帆船赛事，法国指责美国自 大，德国不参战，美国最有权的三个人分别叫“布什”(译者注：英文“杂草”的意思)、“迪克”(译者注：美国俚语里“男性生殖器”的意思)、“科隆”(译 者注：“结肠”的意思)，还用我就更多例子吗?

　　100. “You won’t be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.” Chris Rock while hosting the Oscars

　　100.接下来的四位主持人保证让你们挪不开视线，她们是萨尔曼.海耶克和佩尼洛普.克鲁兹。(克里斯.洛克在主持奥斯卡现场)

　　101. Gas is getting so expensive I’m gonna ride a mexican to work.

　　101.油价太贵了，因此我决定骑个墨西哥人上班。

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